"If my thoughts were sand, it would cover the earth."


I seldom understand myself
Because, I am not myself
You see, at moments
When you see me

Yes, it turns
A rivet in my bones
Collapsing and crashing
Into my rib cage

IMPOSSIBLE!
You say
POSSIBLE!
I say

and here comes the riddles left and right and over and under
and somehow in the middle of it all
I find myself still in wonder, wonder, what glorious wonder

It’s so very, very, very noisy
Inside this body, body, body
Where in there’s a melody,
Soft and tainted

Is trying to escape me.
Until it grows into the beating of a thousand
Drums, it will remain
The same in this tiny

Hungry heart.

**

My love is selfish and intense, possessive, and obsessive. It can be proud, and callous at times—but it will never give up, my dear. …It’s not perfect, but it tries. It’s not everything, but it is something. Take it or leave it, hang it in a corner and miss it.

I haven’t written in ages. It needed to be written. My soul wanders sometimes.

**

— KMF?
I sometimes get this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that urges me to move forward but it’s always very late at night, or at an awkward hour. Like wildfire, it consumes what I have, and leaves me, lying there, breathing in the night as if it’s the last thing I will ever do in my entire life, that if I don’t act on it, I will completely lose whatever’s left in me.

And it’s scary. I often cook up plans of staying awake for days, but it never happens. I always fall asleep when I don’t want to. My mind closes off sometimes when it doesn’t want to. Or I get so lost in my thoughts that I don’t realise it’s the next day. I wish I were able to express things a bit clearly. It’s like having a thirst that never gets satiated. Ever.

3 months ago
— …
Inside, there is but
This gnawing
A sinking, nauseating feeling
I hear from me
From you
And it’s a doozy
Too much
Too much
Too much.

3 months ago
— I
I dream to
Make believe
The reality
Isn’t what
It’s supposed
To be.

+

Back from the roadtrip! Went to Solvang, Bass Lake, Yosemite, San Francisco. Wah. Too bad the weather was bad when we got to San Fran, so we didn’t stay long. Muh.

4 months ago - reblog
"Surfing tidal waves inside; like an ukiyo-e, you’re picturesque."
Aki Hawkins; Sep 2 on my twitter. I found it, though I’m not sure I posted this up here for the record. And no, it’s not a haiku.
4 months ago - reblog
— On escapism
So far this escapism
Is serving it’s purpose
Damaging the will
And draining my effort

+

I kind of just want to stay and do things better this time rather than go back and finish them. It sounds worse than it is. It’s just, I don’t want to go back to the negativity. — I seem to have misplaced I seem to have misplaced My reality of you You’re distorted Within my emotions You seem to have misplaced Happy memories of me And that makes me Sad, I could weep We seem to have misplaced Our feelings for each other No, that wasn’t the case We just forgot one another. 1 year ago - reblog — Never leave earth barefoot. It’s like I never left the face of the earth. Space cadet to the mission base and losing grip to reality once in a while. Lick the sun off your lips like licorice and cherry cordial. They rip you apart but you say no thanks, the children’s laughter’s enough to fill me. Never leave earth barefoot and never open the door when you leave at a house you wanna go back to. There’s a gnawing at my soul but I know for sure this time it’s a new beginning. — Leave through the backdoor. Once more you visit my dreams and your face is as clear as ever. You smile and you laugh, and I do the same. You then turn yourself around and I see something that breaks my heart. Turns out you came breaking me apart once more. You constantly visit my dreams. Maybe it’s just me, punishing myself. I’ve thought about it hard, and I’ve thought about it fleetingly, and it all comes down to one thing—-you’ve been a part of me. Though I don’t understand the significance of you being a zombie at one point. I always dream of you unexpectedly, and when it ends it always has the same feeling. Don’t misunderstand, I don’t hate you; I just wish you’d leave my head. You could leave through the backdoor of my memories; or you could stay at the fire exit. Your choice. Someone once said that to not look at the past is like ignoring what happened. Learning should be the key. I’ve learned, so now what? I miss you, yes, but I think you’re going to hold that over me forever, whether you realise it or not. You tried jumping off before, didn’t you? If you hadn’t, I wouldn’t know this feeling of loss, and neither would I be the person I am now. Thank you, still. ** I haven’t really been talking to anyone here. Literally. My mouth feels like it’s been clamped shut for a decade. My jaw feels foreign and I stutter now—I stutter! What is this?! I need someone to talk to on skype; I feel like a hermit. In other news, I have been trying to figure out how to write this manga of mine (another idea hit me while I was fixing some stuff) but I’m stuck on how the characters should look like. I need someone to throw ideas back at me. :( Gah. — Riot There’s a riot in my heart So loud and obnoxious You can pull my head apart But it won’t make a difference I say just lock me up But I won’t back down I’m leaving this for good Go ahead be on denial Pulled off my wings like An apple from a tree You took me down To the bottom of that sea I wish I could just say this But it’s so very hard— You’re never going to get my heart + Ever felt just writing on and on? It’s one of those days where there’s just so much to say. Recording parts of the brain mulch I’ve had stocked up and some thoughts on observations. 5 months ago - reblog — To Contemplate To contemplate the feelings Of defeat roiling and spitting At the images of this feat A virtue, a stand, a calling To my flesh and bones A voice of reason like a Caustic wind of hope I dreamt you were a monster To save my weary soul And then I went in limbo A summer in Glory’s foe Albeit the black scabs And red fingers around my neck I trudge onward To a new continent. + So I asked my friend Dave if he’d agree to a writing practice for once a week. I’ll give him a phrase or sentence or even just a word to work around in any writing form. And he asked me to do one so it’s fair. I just gave it to him. And now I’m done. :D Not my best, I’m rusty with these things, but it was worth the thinking process. 5 months ago - reblog — Petrified Stop invading my dreamworld, please. You randomly pop out of nowhere and you expect me to go save you? And why is it that I’m always the one who saves and then gets in trouble and have to find a way to get the heck out of it? This puzzles me. + You’re lucid and vile Poison in my wine A cup or two I broke me, not you I sought, you came I ran, you stayed Callous, callous, love? Petrified. + I really should put these pieces together before I forget. 5 months ago - reblog — Panther Waver, and she’ll pounce Like a panther She’ll dance Say, and she’ll race Towards your flesh She’ll gnaw Slowly with every morsel Falling off from her cheek To her thigh Pull you in and out In wake and dreaming To gather your bones To gather your bones To gather your bones And sigh. + If only I could figure out how to install this stupid program then maybe this would have been more than just words. 5 months ago - reblog — Cerulean I see cerulean blue in you Feathered like an afternoon Your voice booming And your will strong Sending shivers down Up to my fingertips Foxtailed, alter egos And music all around With hands huge as the dreams In our heads taking out All the worries from my shoulders And sharing them between us Imagining the what-ifs Raising tension and hopes I am smitten time over But this I won’t ever say You only think it’s simple To me, and my dismay You make it sound so easy This revelation we stumbled upon But perhaps, it’s deeper than that And I’m too scared to move further on. + Compilation of conversations and other dimensions. 6 months ago - reblog — Your reality, is. Dust the stars off your eyelids; the sun has come through. Thin and fragile, this is your reality, while you rule your dream-realm. I often think that your skin was baked from a hundred years of slumber under the white-hot sun. Glinting, you look for a way to make the world seem lighter. Sailing, you drive faster than the winds. Know not my existence, yes, but I ponder for a meeting. Which path to choose? Which path to take? Which leads to your doorstep, and which leads to a graze? Maybe worlds can come clashing together. As I have said, your reality is thin and fragile. Or maybe it was my reality, and not yours? I know not the difference—perhaps this is my silly confidence. + I wish I can teleport to places I wanna go to. 6 months ago - reblog — skinny boy Skinny wrists all tangled up in ribbons; red wire and lace. You’re that black-haired boy running through the fields, covered in grass stains. Muddy face. A dawning sky. Eyes peppered with dreams. How is it you know my name? Your smile is still blurry. I rub my eyes, one two. Nothing. You disappeared like the rabbit in Wonderland. + So I think skinny boys are fine. I don’t really mind whatever the built but for skinny wrists? Ack, I give. Random thoughts for the early morning. 6 months ago - reblog — Goosey Goosey, goosey, gander I know you wander Back in my thoughts That you’ve torn asunder Fly back, goose Untie my noose I don’t want to die Please call a truce + I have this book of nursery rhymes; some of them are twisted, but maybe that’s just me. No wonder the illustrated children barely smile. Tssss. Ack, I posted this as a quote first, then decided to make it a note instead (I’m like that) and I accidentally deleted the whole thing instead of copying and I’ve deleted the post as well. Arrrr. Good thing I still remember everything, and I’m not on free-flowing auto-pilot writing. 6 months ago - reblog — Spider + Oh spider Tattered silk and hair Your bite, addictive + I dreamt of your spindly fingers and I wondered if you were real. I saw night and day unfold, in a glimpse of an eye. I saw your face but the fog was too much. I drew it in my dream and I thought it was real. Your jaw was strong, your head held high. You saved me yet again, but I still don’t know you. I wonder if I kept on sleeping, would your identity unfold? + My dreams have been very weird. I also dreamt of a vampire who had his legs cut off and was awoken after a hundred or so years. Hmm. 7 months ago - reblog "As sad as it seems, I don’t believe in forever. Gone are the days when I used to think that living in a moment and not letting go is the key to happiness. I realised that maybe it’s better if I lived in the moment, spark it as much as it would let me, and as it fades, make the best out of it. I also do believe that there will always be that person you’re supposed to be with, may it be 10, 20, 45 years from now. That person will not make you feel like they have clipped your wings, though at times they would pull you down and remind you to stay grounded, rather, they’d make you feel like you could soar way above the stars. Being together doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be head over heels in love with each other, it could be that there is a bond that makes you care enough for each other that you’d still be there for support if you part ways." This, I really mean. 7 months ago - reblog — immhbfy. In my dreams, you take all forms of a knight. You come to my rescue, chasing me down, chasing away others, and you never cease to smile. You always smile at me. Always. You always make me laugh. Effortlessly. That night, I regret not holding on to you more. If I stayed through til morning would things have changed? One part of me likes to think that yes, you could have held on longer, and another says no, you would have just given me more time to hold on to you. But a bigger part of me, my hurt ego, said that you would do something else. Ah, how trivial. I like looking at you. Just looking at you makes me feel at ease and makes me concious at the same time. Sometimes when I look back a the past, I keep remembering those feelings of hurt and your face looks twisted to me. You look ugly. But that’s me. I link my emotions to how I see things. You’re crazy, you know that? You say things that make me doubt them but there’s honesty in the way you say those sentences of yours. And you’re the same in the dreams, only, you’re always rescuing me. Maybe that’s what you’re doing in reality. I just wish you don’t feel obligated to. So sometimes, when I want to ask you something, I just find a reason to spend more time talking about nonsense. You’re weird. You shouldn’t have said those things to me before I left. It’s all too late now. Do you still have my drawing? i miss my heart beat for you.